Netherlands - Dedicated to my lil friend in Groningen

(I have been wanting to write about my trip through Europe, but so far all I have is some random scattered essays that are not joined in any logical fashion. As some of you have requested a new story, I am posting bits and pieces of what I have and will try to give a more thorough update later. )

One could make a point for not undertaking major architectural endeavors while stoned, but that point would almost certainly be lost in Amsterdam, a city where smoking pot is legal but owning a level is apparently not. Take a turn down any narrow alley and you are sure to find examples of Holland’s fine architecture, tilting forward on their foundations, like sprinters trying to edge out the competition in a photo finish. While not all the structures are poorly built, some in fact are magnificent examples of ingenuity and talent; almost certainly they will be beside a home which has simply grown tired of being. I don’t know if buildings are capable of thought, but if they are, “Please Kill Me!” would be the unifying voice of these decrepit structures.

I was at first tempted to think that the buildings were simply suffering from week foundations, which could easily be explained by the fact the Amsterdam, and in fact much of the Netherlands, have, until the last few hundred years, been under the sea. However, in many cases, the badly skewed structures seem to straighten themselves at the waist, suggesting to me that the brick mason recovered from his euphoric haze long enough to make the necessary adjustments. When I asked my Dutch friend about this phenomenon, he replied, “We make shoes, not houses.” (Referring to the Wooden shoes the Dutch are famous for… another tradition that unfortunately has gone by the way. I was so looking forward to hearing the thunderous clap of the morning commuters as they clomped down the cobblestone streets in the latest Oak and Maple fashions)

If wooden shoes, Coffee Shops (places which sell legal marijuana and surprisingly little coffee), and hilariously under-engineered buildings are not your thing, Amsterdam has yet another vise for which it has become famous, namely legalized prostitution and a thriving sex-toy industry. A quick stroll through the red-light district will give the average non-consumer an adequate appreciation, although I wouldn’t advise doing it before noon, as it’s a bit like watching Cher open for a Shakira concert. (although I prefer the music of the former, the music videos are quite another story)

In this district are normal looking houses with picture windows in the front. The windows are framed with red neon lights and behind them you can expect an assortment of freakish individuals, ranging from portly to the petite and all points between (although a pre-noon stroll is certain to provide much more of the former than latter).

In between these houses are sex toy shops, with their goods proudly displayed in the windows. Hundreds of over-sized, over-animated, over-illuminated plastic phalluses taunt me from the smug security of their double paned windows. I’m pretty sure they were not made in America, as we would have certainly added cup-holders as a standard option.

That being said, Amsterdam is an amazing city and one would be quite mistaken to assume that drugs sex and unhappy buildings are her only offerings. They are unfortunately the most entertaining subjects to write and talk about, sorry Aurthur! I'll try to give credit to the wonderful parks, places and people in a future essay :-)